I thought I was over it…

I thought I had mourned the fact that I would not be able to have a baby.  I accepted it.  Just one of the things breast cancer took away from me.  Fine.  I’m over it-or I thought I was.

My husband and I were recently at a family wedding and they had all of the married couples on the dance floor.  You know the drill, depending on how many years you have been married you get to stay on the dance floor.  My little 3 year old cousin refused to get off the dance floor (a precursor to the years to come for this little one).  SO, I picked her up and she danced with my husband and I.  She put her little hand around my neck and her other little hand on his shoulder.  It was at that moment that I felt a pain in my heart, a pain that unless you have felt can’t be understood.  Smiles from others on the dancefloor just made the pain worse.  They didn’t know who this kid was to me, they assumed it was our kid, I would have too.  Here is a secret, I wish it was.  I wish that cell never mutated.  I wish I had the life I had before cancer.  I wish I wasn’t the reason my husband wouldn’t be a father.  I wish that asshole of a disease stayed the fuck away from me.  I wish it didn’t hurt.  I wish I was still in my little naïve non-cancer bubble thinking it couldn’t happen to me.

But, it did happen to me & at this moment it really sucks.